The Truth About Men's Mental Health

My wife Melinda and I watch American Idol every season. Yeah, I know. A couple watching reality TV on the couch — not exactly a tough-guy image. But we like it. We like watching people grow and get better and put themselves out there. There's something real about it.

Anyway, we were watching the finale a few nights ago — congrats to Hannah Harper by the way, a straight-up country girl with a voice that made you root for her — and a former contestant named Cameron Whitcomb came back to perform a song off his new album. It's called "Kingdom of Fear."

I stopped scrolling. Put the phone down. Actually listened.

If you’re short on time, this video breaks down the core lesson in under 3 minutes.

Prefer reading? The full breakdown is below.

The Line That Got Me

The line that got me was something like... you ask me how I'm doing, I say I'm doing just fine, but under my skin I'm not all right.

I downloaded it before the show was over.

Here's the thing about that lyric. It's not poetic. It's not clever wordplay. It's just true. It's what millions of men say every single day. At work. At church. At the gym. At the dinner table.

"I'm good, man."

"Yeah, things are great."

"Just tired, that's all."

And nobody pushes back. Nobody digs in. Because we're all kind of doing the same thing, and we've all silently agreed not to call each other out on it.

I've been that guy. More times than I want to admit.

June is Men's Mental Health Month

I used to kind of roll my eyes at "awareness months." Felt like something companies slap on a social media post and then go back to business as usual the first day of the next month. And a lot of them are exactly that.

But this one's different to me. Because the numbers behind it are brutal.

Men die by suicide at nearly 4 times the rate of women. Not because men feel pain less. But because men are way better at hiding it. We've been trained since we were kids to shake it off, toughen up, don't let 'em see you sweat. And so we get real good at performing "fine" while something inside us is quietly falling apart.

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CHANGE

And look, I get it. I quit watching the news months ago. Not because I'm naive. I know the world is a mess. The economy is doing things that don't make sense, there's geopolitical stuff that would have seemed like a movie plot five years ago, and the cost of just living a normal life keeps going up. I know all that.

But I made a decision that I can't fix any of that by consuming 45 minutes of bad news before bed. So I stopped consuming the news nonstop. I sleep better and I'm a better husband and dad because of it. So I'm okay with that trade.

The point is, there's a lot of pressure on men right now. Real, legitimate pressure. And a lot of guys are carrying it alone because asking for help still feels like weakness.

It's not. It's actually one of the harder things a man can do.

I WANT TO ASK YOU

Who's the guy in your life that always seems fine? The one who jokes around, who never complains, who says "I'm good" on autopilot every time you ask?

When's the last time you actually pushed back on that?

Not in a weird, intense, sit-down-we-need-to-talk way. Just... "Hey man, for real though, how are you doing?" And then wait. Don't fill the silence. Just wait.

You might be surprised what comes out.

Or nothing might come out that day. That's okay too. You planted something. You let him know the door's open. Sometimes that's all it takes — knowing someone would actually listen if you decided to talk.

I'M NOT A THERAPIST

I'm not going to pretend I have all the answers here. What I know is the 12 Pillars of Wealth, and one of those pillars is your mental and emotional state, because a man who's falling apart on the inside can't hold anything else together on the outside. Not his marriage, not his business, not his kids.

You can't lead from empty.

So if you're the one who's hurting right now, and statistically, some of you reading this are, I want you to know it's okay. You don't have to keep performing. You don't have to keep saying "I'm fine" to everybody including yourself.

Reach out. Tag me on Instagram. Drop something in the comments. I built the Drift Audit specifically to help you see where you're strong and where you're bleeding out without even knowing it. It's 10 questions, free, no strings. FREE Drift Audit Link

Your Next Step

And go listen to "Kingdom of Fear" by Cameron Whitcomb. Turn the captions on while it plays. I posted the Lyrics below for you.

Then think about the men around you.

We need each other more than we let on.

Frequently Asked Questions:

What is the Drift Audit and how can it help me?
It's something I put together based on the 12 Pillars of Wealth, my framework for what it actually takes to build a strong, stable life. It's 10 questions. Takes maybe 2 minutes. No signup, no sales call, no strings of any kind. What it does is show you where you're solid and where you're quietly drifting without realizing it. It could be your health, your finances, your relationships, your mindset, all of it. A lot of guys take it thinking they're doing pretty well and find out there are one or two areas they've been completely ignoring. That blind spot awareness alone is worth it. You can grab it free here.

Is it normal for men to struggle with mental health but not show it?
Yes, and it's more common than most people realize. Men are socially conditioned from a young age to suppress emotions and appear strong. The struggle is real — the silence is learned.

What are the signs that a man in my life might be struggling?
Most men are good at making everything look normal. Watch for the guy who suddenly gets quieter than usual, cancels plans he used to show up for, is more irritable, drinks more, works longer hours, jokes about everything (even himself) in a way that feels too sharp. Also, saying "I'm fine" or "Just tired" on autopilot. If your gut says something, off, trust it. You're probably right.

How do I start a conversation with someone who seems like he's not okay?
Don't make it a big formal sit-down. That'll shut most guys down before you even start. The best conversations happen side by side, like on a walk, in a car, at the gym, grabbing food. Something where you're not staring at each other across a table. Just start with something real. "Hey man, I've been thinking about you lately. How are you actually doing?" The word "actually" does a lot of work in that sentence. And then don't fill the silence. Let it sit. He might brush it off the first time. That's okay. You showed up. You let him know the door is open. Sometimes that seed takes a few weeks to grow into a real conversation, and that's fine. Just don't give up after one try.

Why do men have higher suicide rates than women?
It's a hard question and it deserves a straight answer. Men die by suicide at nearly 4 times the rate of women in the US. That's not because men feel pain less deeply. It's mostly because men are less likely to talk about it, less likely to seek help, and more likely to use methods that are immediately fatal when they do act. There's also the identity piece. A lot of men tie their entire sense of worth to being the provider, the protector, the one who holds things together. When that falls apart, whether it's job loss, divorce, financial collapse, health problems, the shame can feel unsurvivable. And if there's no one around who knows what's really going on inside... that's a dangerous place to be alone. This is why checking on the men in your life isn't just a nice gesture. It genuinely matters.

What is Men's Mental Health Month and when is it?
June is Men's Mental Health Month. It's part of the broader Mental Health Awareness Month in May, but June specifically puts a spotlight on men because the stats are so different for us compared to the general population. Men are far less likely to be diagnosed with depression or anxiety — not because we experience it less, but because we don't talk about it and don't go to the doctor for it. The month exists to chip away at that stigma and give people a reason to start conversations they've been putting off. So if you've been meaning to check on someone, June is as good an excuse as any to actually do it.

If you or someone you know is struggling and you're not sure they're going to be okay, please reach out to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988. It's free, confidential, and available 24/7. You don't have to be in crisis to call — you can call for someone else too. Don't wait until you're sure it's serious. Call anyway.

KINGDOM OF FEAR LYRICS, by Cameron Whitcomb

I'll show you what you need to see and nothing more
At least I got the decency to shut the door
You said that you want all of me, but I know you're a liar
Every time I let you in, I start to hear them tires

In the middle of the night, in the back of my mind
Like a chill running down my neck
So I bite my tongue and I lie in self-defense

Ask me how I've been, I'll say I'm great
But under my skin, I'm not okay
Honey, I've been scared to death, looking in the mirror
Just another day in the kingdom of fear
Ask me how it goes, I'll say I'm fine
But if you look close, I ain't doing alright
Honey, I've been scared to death, wipe away the tears
Just another day in the kingdom of fear
The kingdom of fear

Maybe I've been building walls too high to climb
I hope you know it's not your fault, it's by design
I know I've been a lot of things, but I won't be your burden
I won't be that person that calls you when I'm hurting

In the middle of the night, in the back of my mind
Like a chill running down my neck
So I bite my tongue and I lie in self-defense

Ask me how I've been, I'll say I'm great
But under my skin, I'm not okay
Honey, I've been scared to death, looking in the mirror
Just another day in the kingdom of fear
Ask me how it goes, I'll say I'm fine
But if you look close, I ain't doing alright
Honey, I've been scared to death, wipe away the tears
Just another day in the kingdom of fear

Oh, I've been hurting worse than bad
I need someone who's got my back
Oh, I've been hurting worse than bad
I need someone, but if you

Ask me how I've been, I'll say I'm great
But under my skin, I'm not okay
Honey, I've been scared to death, looking in the mirror
Just another day in the kingdom of fear
Ask me how it goes, I'll say I'm fine
But if you look close, I ain't doing alright
Honey, I've been scared to death, wipe away the tears
Just another day in the kingdom of fear
The kingdom of fear